Confessions: Fragility

Photo by AL Photography

Growing up, my mom had a large cabinet filled with two sets of fine china. As a little girl, I would peer into the glass windows, tracing the soft blue and pink floral patterns with my finger. I begged my mom to let me take them out so I could play tea party with them. My mom insisted that the plates and teacups were very valuable. Someone very special had given them to her as a wedding present, and she didn't want to risk breaking them. They were only to be used for very special occasions. But I never remember using them to dine on. It made me a little sad thinking about how they were never really enjoyed. Did they feel like Mrs. Potts and Chip from Beauty and the Beast, longing for someone to come waltzing into the house to dust them off and put them to use?

Lately, I have felt just as fragile as those pieces of china. This summer has left me feeling insecure to the point of paralysis. I doubt myself, I doubt my abilities, and I'd rather stay locked up in the china cabinet where no one has the opportunity to harm me.

I'm supposed to be writing a thesis about the Old Testament prophetic features of Revelation. But I feel like it won't be "new" and "cutting-edge" enough and I keep procrastinating, dreading the thought of having to defend it in front of my committee of world-renowned Biblical scholars. I might be chipped.

I just accepted a teaching position at a small Christian university, where I will begin teaching Bible courses full time this upcoming fall. I try to appear calm and confident about this new job, but inwardly I'm not sure I have what it takes to do well. What if the students ask something I don't know? What if I say something inaccurate? What if I'm boring? I might get chipped. 

To make matters worse, I have received so many kind words of congratulations. My friends have started calling me "professor." It all makes me cringe. I don't feel like I deserve any of this. I know I don't deserve any of this.
It amazes me sometimes how highly some people think of me. More often, it sends me into fits of despair. So often, people have only seen the best side of me and assume that that's the "normal" me. In reality, it's the side I want everyone to see as my "norm" as I hide the ugly counterpart. It's easy to do in this day and age by carefully controlling the content on my Facebook profile. This blog. I can easily present the illusion that I'm a perfect person who is completely confident and in control.

But I'm not. I'm flawed. I'm fragile.

I know how cynical, vain, and lazy I can be. I fear that these flaws will overpower the best parts of me. I also fear that the very best parts of me aren't enough and that if I do offer them, they'll be criticized, chipped. Then they'll be far less valuable than I initially thought they were worth.

But maybe, my gifts, no matter how little value I seem to give them, are too valuable to God not to be used. Maybe leaving the china in the cabinet thwarts the intentions of the Giver.

Maybe, like me, you feel like what you have to offer isn't good enough. You fear being vulnerable and "throwing yourself out there" will ultimately break you. But God, the Great Giver, only gives good gifts. Even if they may seem imperfect and insufficient, criticizing the gift is criticizing the Giver.

So take the risk. Open the china cabinet. Use the dining pieces indulgently. Enjoy the carefully-crafted teacups and saucers. 

The tragedy is not chipping and breaking the plates. The tragedy is never appreciating the gift that the Giver gave you.

Trash Talking the Law

Recently, a video entitled "Why I Hate Religion but Love Jesus" has gone viral and sparked many discussions on Facebook. While I won't point out the many flaws in this video's theology (many others have undertaken this and done a fantastic job -- I don't have much more I could add), I was struck by the widely-held view about the nature of the [Old Testament] Law. Ever since I was a little girl, it was ingrained in me that the Law of the Old Testament is bad, but Jesus is good and replaced the Law. I was taught that the Law was bad because the Israelites thought that they could earn God's merit by upholding it. Instead, the Law brought death and self-righteousness.

This perspective completely disregards the greater witness of Scripture. This past semester, as I was studying John, I was really impacted by what the writer of John had to say about the Law:

"From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ."
- John 1:16-17

The word that the NIV chooses for "blessing" is the Greek word for "grace." In other words, this is saying that "From the fullness of [God's] grace we have received one grace after another." I think that we have often made "grace" into an ambiguous "Christianize" word. What does "grace" even mean? (I griped a bit about this in this post.) At its core, "grace" means anything that is given. It implies "giftedness."
The author of John gives two examples of God's gifts: the Law through Moses and Truth through Jesus. The Law is not presented as something that was bad; it is presented as a gift from God.

A few weeks ago, my husband took me out to lunch at a really nice Asian restaurant. It was late in the afternoon and I was starting to become really hungry. As we were driving to the restaurant, I saw all these other restaurants and desperately wanted to stop anywhere to satisfy my stomach rumblings. In my mind, I developed a rating system of what restaurants sounded really good to me:

Restaurant	Rating
Red Robin	Excellent
Bob Evans	Really Good
Fazoli’s	Good

But then I got to P.F. Chang's and the food was sooo good. I was so glad that I had waited! The other restaurants could not compete with honey sesame chicken. Now, however, I had a dilemma. I couldn't rate P.F. Chang's fairly on the rating scale. Red Robin was rated much too high. I could rate P.F. Chang's as "really excellent," but that still would not do it justice. It would be too close in rating to Red Robin.

So, in order to fix my dilemma, I need to rate the other restaurants lower.

Restaurant	Rating
P.F. Chang’s	Super Excellent
Red Robin	Okay
Bob Evans	Fair
Fazoli’s	Bad

Do I really think that Fazoli's is "bad?" No, I would gladly eat there any day of the week. But now that I've tasted the awesomeness of P.F. Chang's even Fazoli's ravioli pales in comparison.

I think that this is what's going on for the New Testament writers. The Law was a beautiful thing to them. It was the revelation of God himself to his people. It was a wonderful gift. By following the Law very carefully, the Israelites were loving God the way they knew best.

But now God revealed himself through His Son Jesus. How could this even compete with God's revelation through the Law? This is why many of the New Testament writers (like Paul) seem to be "trash-talking" the Law. It was a wonderful grace, but it was nowhere near as special as the grace of Jesus.

I learning to think of the Law in the Old Testament much in the same way that the first recipients thought about it - as a grace. God loves us so much that he has given us "grace after grace." Studying and mediating on the Law, even though it has been fulfilled (not annulled) through Jesus Christ is a way that I can reciprocate God's love and better appreciate his grace.